I’m done with exams yeah and that’s why I’ve not been on my blog lately. I’m just gonna use this two weeks break to write a whole lot of stuffs. I missed writing so much. How have you guys been?
I want to thank God because today is the end of the first half of the year. I thank God for his grace upon my life because honestly this first half wasn’t the best of years. I lost, gained and experienced a lot.
At a point I felt alone, at a point my name was dragged in the mud, at a point I fought a lot of people. My peace of mind and happiness was toyed with. At a point I considered going into many outrageous things but his grace kept me.
In this same first half devil tried to play a smart one on my academics. I experienced reading and forgetting totally in the exam hall, but still he came through for me. I just want to appreciate this God. I also got contracts on my blog.
A whole lot has happened these past months.
In this same first half I lost my relationship with my significant other.
I’m writing this in tears…
and I’m wondering why and how I didn’t see it coming. Why he lied to me when I was nothing but real to him, played games with me when I was true to him, betrayed me when I was nothing but loyal to him.
These are questions he made me ask myself but none of the answers make sense. I started blaming love for having me blind. I started rejecting my heart because it forced me to feel. I shut down more and more each day until even the best parts of me became bitter. My love was betrayed. I began to lose trust in people and even doubted if I can trust myself, my judgements and my emotions.
It’s so difficult how I still love him yunno.
It’s so difficult to forget him;
It became so difficult still even when everything seemed better.
I couldn’t tell the difference between the person I met last year and the one that began to reveal himself to me. Sometimes I feel I should get back together with him and live happily like nothing ever happened; a fresh start; a whole different orientation; I feel I should give him the benefit of doubt but then again my guts tells me I deserve better.
I was a complete breakdown. It was never going to be the same without him. When we met I was fortunate and happy with him. Everyday was worth a lifetime until he chose to leave. He walked away far too easily for me to ever believe it was ever really love. He was gone, he left me crying; separated like our hearts were breaking.
He left saying;
If I find a true meaning to life I’ll definitely reach out and if by then it’s late I’ll take it as fate and a phase I had to pass through.
Those were his exact words.
I felt unsafe.
He let me go and avoided feelings. I got pity from everyone I know who knew how much I loved him. I missed him deeply. I told my friends how much I craved to have him next to me again. He shattered me when he left and he was very much aware. I guess I didn’t exist in his reality anymore. He continued living his life like nothing happened. He walked away without a second thought, I got into emotional debt. I blocked him and started contemplating unblocking him. I tried to give other guys a chance in my life but it wasn’t working. The connection I felt with him the first time we went out, I don’t feel with anyone else. I don’t feel safe with them.
You know once you’ve connected to somebody on another level it’s so hard to find that same vibe anywhere else. Others seem unattractive to you.
Sometimes I pray to God to bring him back if he’s for me and if not he should make me forget him and the memories we shared.
It takes a lot of courage and trust to look past what you’ve been through and trust someone not to put you through it again. It’s always earned and once lost its really hard to trust again.
After he made me realise that not everyone you treat right does right back to you. I realised that just because I’m truthful doesn’t mean I won’t get lied to. I learnt to smarten up and not let selfish people take the best part of me. I learnt not to let users upset me. I learnt to let liars go and fakers fail. Then I thank God for growth, that kind of growth that allows you see and accept things clearly. There’s a saying
Grow through what you go through.
Some people make themselves easy to cut off and it’s useless getting angry. All you need to do is thank them for saving you time.
Heart break. That’s just the way love goes sometimes but heart heals too. They learn lessons and get stronger with time. They also fall deeply, madly, infinitely in love over and over again.
Despite the ups and down. I’m still very certain of what I want. Over these past months there have been rough patches. I have a lot of things in my head to write down but to cut the long story short.
This is me reflecting back on those times.
I feel much better having written all these.
We should be celebrating a year anniversary today but oh well what will be will be!
I pray for everyone of us here that the second half of this year will be filled with ease, peace of mind, comfort and money.
I’m still your Favorite Personal Blogger 😊
If you missed my last post you can read it here